Redefining Family
by Tali1980
Summary: Reid is struggling after Gideon leaves the BAU. Will Hotch be able to help him? Warning: Story contains disciplinary spanking, no slash
1. Chapter 1: Arrested

_Okay, I have just recently started to watch Criminal Minds (is it weird to read fanfiction first and then start watching a show?) and it has inspired me to this story. It is set about 2 months after Gideon leaving the BAU and centers around Reid's struggle to come to terms with that. There will be multiple chapters to this story but I might not update as quickly as you are used to since I am only about 2-3 chapters ahead with writing._

_If you haven't read my other stories, please be aware that I am not a native English speaker. I do my best but there are usually some errors left._

_I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters._

_Last warning: This story will contain disciplinary spankings of a young adult. If that is not your thing please don't read._

_xxx_

"Hotch? It's Morgan."

"Morgan, everything alright?" Aaron Hotchner, Unit Chief and Supervisory Special Agent at the FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit, answered his phone with a concerned voice. It was Saturday evening and the younger man was supposed to be with his family in Chicago. During his last trip out there the team had been called in because Morgan had been framed for murdering young boys. The Unit Chief really hoped that this trip would not end in another disaster.

But Derek Morgan, Supervisory Special Agent at the BAU himself, quickly assured him "I am fine…," but then added with a strained voice, "it's about Reid..."

The older agent briefly closed his eyes. Dr. Spencer Reid, the youngest agent of his team and their resident "genius", had been a constant reason to worry lately. It all began with Jason Gideon's abrupt and unexpected retirement from the BAU two months before. Gideon had been a mentor and surrogate father to Reid whose own father left his son to care for a schizophrenic mother when he was very young. Even though Hotch truly understood Gideon's reasons for leaving he cursed the man not for the first time for essentially repeating the trauma of abandonment for the young man.

Turning his attention back to the phone he asked, "What's going on?"

"Do you remember Captain Williams from Metro PD? We met him on that strangler case last year. He just called me. Apparently Reid has been arrested yesterday …"

"Yesterday? Are you telling me he's been in custody for 24 hours and has not gotten processed yet? What happened?" The unit chief interrupted his agent.

"No, no he has been processed. He's been picked up during a drug raid acting suspiciously. They think he might have been trying to buy drugs but there is no proof. The arresting officer was willing to let him go but he didn't have any identification with him and would not even tell them his name or let them call anyone … and well you know how it is with Reid. They weren't even sure if he was of age so they wanted to wait until he was more cooperative. Captain Williams recognized him just now when he brought in a suspect on another case and then called me … ." Morgan trailed of not really sure what else to say.

The older agent felt a bit dizzy with all this information. This was wrong on so many levels. His main concern though was the drug suspicion. Reid had been kidnapped during a case a few months earlier. The unsub had injected him multiple times with Dilaudid a highly addictive substance. It had taken the strong support of Gideon and the team to help their youngest through the weeks of fighting the addiction that followed. Hotch wasn't sure if they could be successful a second time … especially in Reid's current state of mind. But first things first. "I'll go pick him up." He simply stated.

"Hotch, do you want me to come back?" Morgan asked somewhat insecure. The unit chief would have loved to have the younger agent's help with their "trouble child" but the reality was that he needed to find a way to help Reid himself. So he just said, "Thank you, but no. You enjoy your time with your family. They deserve it. We'll see you in a couple days."

"Ok, will you keep me posted?" the younger agent conceded.

"Of course. I'll call you later tonight." The unit chief allowed himself a little smile. Morgan had taken on the role of "big brother" to Reid long ago and was obviously worried. Their relationship had probably suffered the least from Gideon's absence and Reid's subsequent behavior. Unfortunately, the same could not be said about Hotch's and Reid's relationship. Quite to the contrary …

"Thanks. And Hotch…" Morgan paused.

"Yes?"

"… don't kill him please. I have some things to say to him when I get back."

Now Aaron Hotchner actually chuckled despite the bleakness of the situation. "I won't." he promised before they hung up.

On his way to the police station the older agent was deep in though. He had no idea how to handle this. Right after Gideon left Reid had been very detached, acting as if nothing had happened. However, over time the young man had started to 'act out' for the lack of a better term. He snapped at anyone who disagreed with his opinions, acted arrogant towards local law enforcement officers they worked with, sulked if things didn't go his way and worst of all ignored orders to the point of endangering himself.

Hotch didn't need to be a profiler to know that they were essentially dealing with the five stages of grief. Reid had moved through denial and was now stuck in anger. Unfortunately, most of that anger was directed at Hotch. The older agent assumed that since he was now the main male authority figure in Reid's life it was only natural that he took his frustrations about being left again out on his boss. But it wasn't pleasant to be at the receiving end and Hotch didn't really know how to deal with it. Whenever Reid misbehaved in the past it had usually been fairly easy to rein him in.

When Reid first started at the BAU he was so young and in need of guidance that Gideon and Hotch agreed with him on a set of rules – most of them common sense and applicable to all agents but also some that took his age and lack of experience in consideration. If Reid broke these rules he was fully aware there'd be consequences … typically a spanking from Gideon sometimes combined with being grounded did the trick.

It was an unusual method of discipline but it worked. Despite protests Reid usually understood why he was being punished and moreover valued the security of knowing that even if he messed up Gideon was there to take care of it. And the two older agents preferred a quick punishment over tainting the brilliant young man's record before he really had a chance to 'grow up'. Hotch knew from experience with his own mentor David Rossi that it was the best way to deal with the digressions of an inexperienced 'kid' and in the past that was true for Reid as well.

But the last few weeks were a different story. In the beginning after Gideon's leaving Hotch had tried to be patient with Reid, understanding that the pain of loosing another 'father' was bound to have some side effects. But the young agent's behavior had deteriorated so bad that it was impossible to ignore. So after countless lectures and threads he had taken Reid home with him two weeks ago, given him a spanking and tried to provide some comfort and a shoulder to cry on. The team lead had hoped that it would help the kid to snap out of his funk. But Reid had just taken the spanking surprisingly stoically and refused any sort of comfort or conversation. And apart from the next two days his behavior had not improved. Hotch was surprised because the handful of times he had spanked the boy in the past instead of letting Gideon handle it had made enough of an impression on the young man to be on his best behavior for a while.

But not so this time. Last week they'd been on a case in Boston and Reid managed to not only disobey Hotch multiple times, he also snapped at Garcia to a point where the sensitive analyst actually cried. At the end of his wits the unit chief had promised him another spanking when they got back which had been the previous morning. But Reid had managed to slip away after finishing his paper work before Hotch had a chance to say anything to him. Not wanting to blow this out of proportion the Unit Chief decided to just let him stew over the weekend and deal with it on Monday. Now he felt guilty for not tracking him down - maybe that would have avoided whatever led to Reid's arrest.

Hotch sighed and felt rotten. He did not like to dole out punishments at all… in fact he hated it. He barely managed with Morgan who on rare occasions allowed his reckless streak to run wild but with Reid it was even worse. The kid would give him this puppy dog look that made Hotch feel like a monster. And when Reid not even accepted being held after Hotch spanked him two weeks prior he wondered if he had punished him too harshly. The fact that Reid didn't call after being arrested seemed to confirm his suspicions. And a nagging little voice in his head kept saying that maybe Reid went out to buy Dilaudid yesterday because he was afraid of the punishment Hotch told him to expect.

The unit chief was glad that there was little traffic on this rainy Saturday evening. Despite a short stop at the office to grab Reid's go bag it only took him only 30 minutes to get to the police station …


	2. Chapter 2: Coming Home

_Thanks everyone for the nice reviews and story alerts. It was great to see that you liked the beginning. I hope the following chapters will not disappoint._

_xxx_

When Hotch arrived at the police station he was lucky to spot Captain Williams right away. After a short conversation the Captain went to get Reid but came back only five minutes later with a slightly amused expression, "Your boy doesn't want to go. Said I am supposed to tell you to 'go away'."

"What?" Hotch asked raising an eye brow, "This is ridiculous. Can I talk to him?"

"Sure. Just follow me …," the Captain good naturedly agreed.

When they came to the holding cells Hotch was glad that Reid was in one of his own. He didn't want the kid to get harassed by some of the rough looking men in the nearby cells. Seeing the dissheveled younger man sitting hunched over on the bench the unit chief figured he'd try to be gentle, "Hey Spencer."

Reid didn't even attempt to look up at his boss. He just stared despondently at the floor and mumbled, "I don't want to go."

"Reid, what is going on? Why do you not want to go?" Hotch tried to reason.

Tears welled up in the kid's eyes and he angrily wiped them away, "I don't want to go with you."

"I know …" Hotch responded trying to ignore his own hurt feelings, "… but this is the best I can do right now."

Without another word Reid turned further to the side. For a moment Hotch was at a loss what to say. Then Reid started to cough – a deep rasping cough that immediately awakened Hotch's fatherly instincts. He stepped closer and squatted next to the young man. Reid jerked away when Hotch put one hand on his forehead to feel his temperature. But the older agent held on to his upper arm and pulled both of them to a standing position.

"Reid, we need to go get you out of here." Hotch said urgently.

The young man started struggling, "Noooo …" he whined, "… I want Morgan."

"I am sorry but Morgan isn't here. Now stop making a scene." Hotch's voice turned stern. Apparently the gentle approach wasn't working so he might very well move this along.

Reid did not stop struggling so Hotch got close to his ear and whispered sternly, "Reid, if you don't stop it right this instant I will sit down on that bench, take you over my knee and give you a spanking right here. I don't think this is something you want."

Frantically shaking his head Reid stopped pulling away and allowed Hotch to escort him out of the cell.

They went back to Captain William's office.

"I was led to understand that Dr. Reid is not being charged with anything?" Hotch wanted to make sure that there'd be no formal consequences for the kid.

"No he is not. He was acting odd in an area with high drug traffic but there is no proof that he did anything illegal. He could have been out of here last night if he'd bothered to tell us his name and called someone to pick him up." The Captain confirmed.

Hotch glared at Reid to make sure he understood that he needlessly spend a day in jail. But the kid did not seem the slightest bit surprised by the information.

Turning back to Captain Williams Hotch thanked the man and made his way to towards the door with Reid in tow.

"Agent Hotchner!" the Captain stopped him and added kindly as Hotch turned his head, "Good luck with your boy there. I hope whatever it is it works out. I remember how much help he was last year when we worked that strangler case."

Hotch nodded and proceeded to guide Reid towards his car. Outside the kid started struggling again, "You can let go of me now."

The older agent did not respond only to hear Reid in a near whine, "Really Hotch. I can go home on my own. You don't have to go through any more trouble."

Hotch stopped walking with Reid's upper arm still firmly in his grasp and turned the kid so that they faced each other. With an incredulous expression he looked Reid up and down to see if he seriously thought he'd be going to his own apartment. Realizing his bosses intend Reid tried to defend himself, "You heard him. I wasn't charged with anything. I should be allowed to go home."

Apparently he'd have to spell it out for the wayward young man, "Reid, you left the office yesterday even though I clearly told you that you had some consequences to face for your behavior in Boston. You went to a known drug area for who knows what reason, get arrested and don't bother to call anyone. In fact you did everything you could to actually stay in custody. On top of it you look like you haven't properly eaten or slept in weeks. You aren't going anywhere but home with me. And all of this will be much less painful for both of us if you just tell me what is going on because right now I don't even begin to have a clue."

Reid was temporarily stunned into silence and just looked at the ground. Sighing Hotch pulled him the last few feet to his car and put him inside. Feeling the need to deter Reid from doing something stupid he buckled the young man in and growled, "Don't even think about getting out of this car until I tell you to."

Apparently Reid got the message and just sat there with his arms crossed glaring out of the window. After letting him sulk for about 10 minutes the older agent decided to start a new approach to get some answers out of him.

Gently he said, "Look Spencer, I know the last few weeks have been hard on you. I … we all … are worried about you…"

"Nobody asked you to worry." Reid interrupted him in a tone he wouldn't have dared to use when Gideon was still around.

"Well that doesn't really change the fact that I do worry," Hotch said patiently, "and it also doesn't change the fact that I'd like to help you. But I need you to talk to me. Tell me what is going on."

"I don't want your help and I don't need it." Reid spat.

Hotch sighed. This was going to be hard. To try and keep the young man calm for the time being he just said neutrally, "I am not so sure about that. But we don't have to figure it out right now. Right now I am taking you home and you can get some sleep."

But the young agent wasn't done fighting yet, "I don't want to go with you. I want to go to my apartment. You have no right … ."

"Spencer, stop it," Hotch interrupted him sternly, "There will be no discussion about this. Things need to change and that starts now. You can make this easy on yourself or you can make this hard but either way we are getting to the bottom of this."

Reid just mumbled, "Whatever" and turned his gaze back out of the window again.

The unit chief sighed and left him to his thoughts on the way back to his apartment. During the drive some of Reid's anger seemed to drain away and by the time Hotch parked the car he noticed his charge looking utterly spent and depressed. He wasn't sure if he preferred this over an angry Reid.

Before turning the engine of Hotch turned to the young man and said, "Listen Spencer, I know you are hurting and I really want to help you. Please allow me to. But for tonight I promise you that you will not have to do anything besides take a shower, eat and sleep. Everything else can wait till tomorrow, ok?"

Either the use of his first name or the gentle tone brought tears to Reid's eyes again. In a similar reaction to earlier that only seemed to make the young man angry. He wiped the tears away quickly and got out of the car without another word.

Hotch frowned but followed him. Up in the apartment he said, "Why don't you put your stuff in the guest room and take a shower while I figure out some dinner? I just grabbed your go bag from the office. If there isn't anything comfortable to wear in it you can just borrow something."

But Reid wasn't going to comply that easily. Keeping his emotions under control for the moment he tried to sound reasonable, "Hotch, this really isn't necessary. I can just go home."

The unit chief briefly closed his eyes and silently prayed for patience before answering in an equally reasonable voice, "Not a chance Reid. I am not leaving you alone."

"Can't I go to Morgan's then?" now Reid's voice turned more into a whine, "Don't you have enough on your plate without me here?"

Now Hotch actually had to fight a smirk, "Nice try Reid. But no, you can't go to Morgan's. For one he is in Chicago with his family and even if he was here I think you and I need to work out some things. Is it really that horrible to be here? You have slept here before."

Realizing that he was beat but not ready to admit it, Reid just spat, "Yes, it is that horrible. And I am not hungry." before stomping off towards the guest room like an angry teenager.

Hotch just looked after him shaking his head. This was going to be difficult. But when he heard the shower going just a few minutes later he decided to work on some dinner anyway hoping that the young man would calm down by the time he got out of the shower. Parallel he send Morgan a message that things weren't exactly good but under control for the time being and that he would call in the morning.

Twenty minutes later pasta was ready and Hotch went to check on Reid who he found sitting on his bed obviously still sulking.

"Come on. Let's get some food in you so you can go to bed." Hotch coaxed him in a tone that would have fitted Jack more than a young brilliant federal agent.

"I am not hungry and I am not sleeping either." was the response in a tone that certainly reminded him of a child – and a cranky one at that.

"Reid!" Hotch warned.

"No!" was the defiant answer.

Not in the mood to drag this out any longer Hotch closed the distance to Reid in about two steps and pulled him to a standing position before turning him sideways and landing a few solid smacks on his backside. Sternly he said, "I have had enough of this. Stop arguing. You will eat and you will sleep. Your only option is to do as you are told or do as you are told with a smarting backside. Am I making myself clear?"

Reid glared at him angrily for a moment before grudgingly giving in, "Fine, I'll eat."

"Good. Now loose the attitude." Hotch scolded before guiding Reid by his upper arm to the kitchen.

As if on cue Reid's stomach started to growl loudly when the older agent placed a plate of pasta in front of him. "Not hungry, huh?" the unit chief tried to lighten the mood.

Apparently seeing a little humor in the situation Reid just shrugged and grimaced before starting to eat. For a while the two men ate in silence and Hotch noticed that the kid's mood seemed to be improving a little. He still looked tired and sad but not angry or desolate as he had in the car.

The unit chief figured this might be a good moment to ask him something that had been bothering him all evening, "Listen Reid, I know I said you would not have to talk today but there is something I need to know and I want you to tell me the truth. This is important, ok?" Reid looked up at him with a guarded expression and nodded slightly so Hotch took a deep breath and continued, "Did you bail on Friday and then not call me from jail because you were afraid of being punished? Did I … did I hurt you last time?"

He wasn't sure what he expected but certainly not the reaction he got. Reid immediately jumped up from his seat pushing his food away yelling furiously at his boss, "I might not be you or Morgan but I am not so much of a wimp that I am afraid of a stupid spanking."

Without another word Reid stormed out of the kitchen. Completely taken of guard by the outburst Hotch took a couple deep breaths before getting up slowly to put their dishes away – his own appetite completely spoiled. He felt terrible. This wasn't the Reid he knew. Hotch allowed himself to acknowledge what he had tried to ignore all evening – the kid was going through withdrawals. He must be using again. The unit chief was tempted to slap himself. How could he not have seen it before now? All the anger and pain – this was exactly the Reid he'd encountered right after the kidnapping had gotten him addicted.

To his dismay Hotch realized that he was thoroughly out of his element. Back then Gideon had been Reid's main support and had gotten him through it with his own unique mix of patience, love and discipline. Hotch wasn't confident that he was capable of doing the same for Reid but he knew that he'd do everything he could for the young man that had always had a bigger place in his heart than he ever let on. And luckily Morgan would be there every step of the way to support his 'baby brother'.

After a couple more minutes Hotch took a deep breath. Nothing was going to be solved before the kid got some sleep. For tonight all he could do was to keep him save. So he took a bottle of water and went to Reid's room hoping he'd calmed down a little by now. He found the young man lying in bed facing the wall. Placing the water on the bedside table, Hotch sat down and gently asked, "Spencer, please look at me."

But Reid just kept staring at the wall pretending Hotch wasn't there.

"Alright, at least listen then. I asked because it's important that you understand that when you are being disciplined it is because we care about you and I need to know if … well if you feel more than just punished. I didn't mean to imply that you were scared or anything of that sort."

The kid still did not show any reaction and Hotch got the distinct feeling that he held his breath to avoid crying. Not wanting to further overload the obviously exhausted young man Hotch just rubbed his back a few times to give him some comfort before saying, "Okay Reid, I guess we'll talk about it tomorrow. Just get some sleep now."

The older agent got up and turned the light off before leaving. Shortly afterwards he went to bed thoroughly exhausted himself - not knowing yet that he'd be woken up again rather abruply just thirty minutes later ...


	3. Chapter 3: Alarmed

_Warning: Some cussing and spanking in this chapter_

_xxx_

Thirty minutes later Hotch awoke abruptly when his alarm system went off. Without a moment's hesitation he jumped out of bed, got his gun out of the safe and made his way to the front door. What he saw there rendered him speechless for a moment. Reid stood dressed in sweatpants and a T-Shirt with his bag in hand in the open doorway obviously so startled by the alarm that he could not make up his mind whether to leave or come back in.

Hotch frowned and closed the distance to the wayward young man with lightning speed. Reid's eyes widened for a moment when Hotch grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back inside before shutting the door and turning off the alarm. Without a word he pulled Reid back to the guest room and placed him firmly in a corner. The young agent was too stunned to speak or argue but for good measure Hotch placed two sharp smacks on his backside with the order, "Do not move."

Knowing he had to calm down before dealing with the miscreant Hotch left the room and went to the kitchen. He grabbed a glass of water and sat down to think. His initial reaction had been frustration at Reid's blatant disobedience but now he was wondering if the kid had actually wanted to be stopped on some level. It had taken Hotch almost a minute to retrieve the gun and make his way to the front door – enough time for the boy to bolt if he had really wanted to. But either way he could not let this go. If he wanted to help Reid he had to take full control of the situation. Sighing he got up and went back to the guest room where he was pleasantly surprised to find the kid still in his corner.

Sitting down on the bed he instructed more calm than he felt, "Spencer, come here please.'

Reid turned around and made his way towards Hotch with the defiant look of a teenager about to be chastised by an overreacting parent. Hotch was surprised that Reid actually complied without arguing. Obviously he was trying to prove that he wasn't scared of the punishment.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself, young man?" Hotch asked sternly.

"No." Reid didn't even try to talk his way out of trouble.

"Alright then." Deciding to get this over with, Hotch pulled him over his lap and took his sweatpants down before starting to spank the errant young man.

Quickly settling into a rhythm he covered Reid's boxer clad behind down to his upper thighs with solid but not overly harsh spanks for less than a minute before he began the lecture. "Tomorrow you and I" **SPANK** "will have a talk" **SPANK** "about the rules" **SPANK** "because I can" **SPANK** "assure you" **SPANK** "that they haven't changed" **SPANK** "young man" **SPANK** "neither have the consequences" **SPANK** "for breaking them." **SPANK** "Obeying orders" **SPANK** "has always been" **SPANK** "one of the rules" **SPANK** "one that you choose" **SPANK** "to ignore when you" **SPANK** "tried to leave this apartment" **SPANK** "after being told" **SPANK** "multiple times" **SPANK** "that you are" **SPANK** "to stay here" **SPANK** "I expect you" **SPANK** "to listen to me" **SPANK** "Am I making myself clear" **SPANK SPANK SPANK SPANK SPANK**

Five swats to his tender sit spot finally got some reaction out of Spencer "Yes sir" **SPANK** "ow … I am sorry" **SPANK**

Deciding that it was enough considering Reid's current state of mind Hotch stopped spanking, pulled his pants back up and started to rub his back in small circles. Reid however immediately started wiggling to indicate that he wanted to get up. So Hotch helped him stand and pulled the teary young man into a hug. But Reid did not reciprocate the gesture or soak up the comfort as he usually would. Instead he took a step back and wrapped his arms around his midsection in a gesture of self-comfort.

Hotch's heart went out to him. This time he knew that the spanking had been no where near as hard as others Reid had gotten – he was not even really crying - so his reluctance to accept comfort had emotional reasons. This was going to be even more difficult to deal with. Gently he said, "Reid, please allow me to hold you. You know how this works. You were punished and now you are forgiven."

But Reid would not look at him. He just shook his head miserably and continued to hug himself. Sighing Hotch tried a different tactic. He went to the bed and pulled the covers back in a clear invitation and said softly, "Alright, then just hop in and I'll stay with you until you fall asleep. It's after midnight and you look dead on your feet. You need some rest and we'll work on everything tomorrow."

Again Reid reacted completely different than the older agent would have expected. Channeling his emotions into anger once more, Reid started shouting, "Why do you even care if I am tired? Or if I get sleep? And why do you want to stay here? Are you so keen on hearing me fucking scream with fucking nightmares because I am too much of a screw up to sleep in the dark? Will that make you happy?"

"Reid!" Hotch was completely taken aback but then he realized something. Checking the nightlight behind the door he understood what was going on. He took the light out and walked over to his young agent who was shaking with emotions.

"Spencer look at this, please." Hotch ordered and continued after Reid complied, "This is a new nightlight – it's supposed to be on automatically when the light is turned off. I guess it's not working. I am very sorry, Spencer, I know you don't like sleeping in the dark because of the nightmares and I am appalled that you think I would take pleasure in that. Nightmares are normal especially in our jobs and have nothing do with being a 'screw up'. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that again, young man. …" the older agent trailed of unsure what else to say.

Reid had not moved or said anything but now slowly tears were spilling over and down his cheeks. With a heavy heart Hotch continued, "Reid, was it like that two weeks ago when you were here?"

Reid nodded.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Hotch asked curiously before it dawned on him, "Did you think I was trying to punish you extra by making you sleep in the dark?"

To his dismay Reid just shrugged. Hotch felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. Did the kid really think he would be that cruel?

"Are you serious? You thought I did this on purpose?" he asked stricken.

Crying harder now, Reid turned away and just mumbled, "I deserved it."

"What?" Hotch placed his hands on Reid's shoulders to turn him back around, "Spencer, you know that isn't true. You deserved the spanking you got but after that the slate was wiped clean. I hope that somewhere you know that I wouldn't do that. It was an accident and I wish you'd have trusted me enough to say something."

"So that you'd know what a coward I am?" Reid asked him now sobbing. The anger was gone and replaced by despair.

Not knowing what else to do Hotch just pulled him into a hug fully intend on letting the young man cry first before talking to him. But nothing was going to be that easy that night. For a moment Reid melted into the embrace but then started to struggle and just whispered desperately, "No, don't touch me. I don't deserve … I don't want you to care about me. Let me go."

The kid's anguish tore through Hotch's heart. But he held on and tried to calm Reid down, "Ssh, stop fighting and just let me hold you, Spencer. I promise it'll be alright."

But Reid kept struggling even more intensely now. Unable to get out of the hug he started pushing and screaming at the same time, "You can't … don't do this … I don't deserve to be hugged … just let me go … I am a worthless fuck up …Just leave me alone."

"Reid stop it this instant," Hotch ordered sternly giving him a small shake, "You are no such thing and if you continue to degrade yourself like that I will take you over my knee again. I would not allow anyone to talk like that about you … and that includes yourself."

"But it's true … I can't do anything right … I shouldn't be allowed …" Reid was nearly hysterical now.

More out of instinct than a conscious decision Hotch just dragged Reid back to the bed holding on to his arms so he would not accidentally hurt himself with his struggles. Although the young man was a little taller he luckily outweighed his lanky frame by almost 50 pounds and was strong enough to control even a desperate Reid. Sitting down on the bed he pulled the kid over his knees and starting to swat the backside in front of him for the second time that evening – though this time he left the pajama pants in place.

Reid stopped struggling immediately and simply cried as Hotch lectured, "I never ever" **SPANK** "want to hear you" **SPANK** "talk like that again" **SPANK** "You are a very gifted" **SPANK** "very strong" **SPANK** "and very capable young man" **SPANK** "and you deserve" **SPANK** "to be held" **SPANK** "just like you deserve" **SPANK** "the friendship, love and support" **SPANK** "I and your teammates" **SPANK** "have been offering you" **SPANK**

With these words Hotch stopped spanking and immediately pulled Reid back up and into a hug. The desolate young man didn't struggle against the embrace this time but he made his feelings known, "You are wrong." He wailed against Hotch's shoulder.

"What am I wrong about, Spencer?" Hotch asked surprisingly gentle.

"I am weak. I don't deserve any of this. I have been using again." He cried and tried to free himself from Hotch's arms, "You should just kick me out and fire me. I am useless … ."

Hotch just held on to the crying young man but sternly said, "Reid, if you don't stop that right now. I am taking you back over my knees and this time it will be for a proper spanking. Do you understand?"

Not getting much of a reaction besides crying, he continued, "I know you have been using again. And I am sorry I wasn't there to stop it but I am here now and I'll help you. Morgan will help you and the rest of the team will too. You will get through this. I know it's hard but giving up is not an option."

"But … I don't want you to help me … you can't do this … the team needs you." Spencer protested.

A little puzzled the unit chief answered, "Spencer I don't understand. You are part of the team and you need me."

"But if something happens …"

Now it dawned on Hotch. He wondered why he hadn't realized it earlier, "You think if you let me help you I will end up leaving like Gideon?"

Spencer just nodded against his chest.

Now the usually so stoic unit chief had to fight tears of his own, "Alright listen to me … I can't promise you that things will stay as they are forever… but I can promise you that you mean more to me than you'll ever know Spencer and as long as I can I will be there for you. I know you don't believe that right now but I am asking you for a chance to prove it. Can you do that?"

Without any real answer to Hotch's words, Reid continued crying for a long time before calming down a little. Finally he said still in Hotch's arms, "It's stupid … I miss Gideon."

"I know, Spencer. I do too. And it's not stupid." Hotch tried to soothe him.

For the first time Reid looked up at him and asked, "Do you think he'll ever come back?"

The childlike innocence almost broke Hotch's heart but he didn't want to lie to the kid either. The unspoken answer must have shown on this face. Reid dropped his gaze again and tearily said, "I know. I just wish he'd come back and give me one more chance to do better … to be who he wanted me to be …"

"Reid no," Hotch interrupted, "you have never been anything other than what Gideon wanted you to be. His leaving had nothing to do with you."

"Yeah? He never even called." Reid chocked out.

"I know," Hotch started rubbing Reid's back in an effort to comfort him, "and I know it hurts that he is gone but never doubt that he loved you like a son."

"And how did I repay him?" Reid asked with a tear strained voice, "I was horrible. Testing him all the time. Then getting kidnapped and addicted to Dilaudid and he had to take care of me. I took all his energy and attention and then he had nothing left when Sarah was murdered. He would have been better off without me. You all would be … I am just …"

"Reid, stop it." Hotch interrupted him but he didn't have it in him to be stern with his upset youngest anymore, "You didn't know Gideon before you came into his life. He has always been a bit too insightful and a bit too sensitive for this job. He battled depression on and off through the years. But I have never seen him as happy or as whole or as content than with you around. And taking care of you was something he wanted to do not a burden. You meant the world to him and he was proud of your accomplishments. Even when you 'tested him' he knew that what you felt for him."

"I never told him. I should have been better." Reid started crying more heavy again.

"Ssh Spencer … you were just what he needed. I think without you he would not even have come back after the bombing."

"It wasn't enough …" Spencer wailed.

Hotch sighed. What was he supposed to say to that? Even though he never doubted the older man's feelings for Reid, it obviously hadn't been enough to hold him. The unit chief suspected even that part of the reason Gideon left was that he didn't want his surrogate son see him battling through another trauma. Hotch understood but abandoning the kid still wasn't right. Not knowing what else to say he turned to old fashioned comfort, speaking soothing words to him while rubbing the younger man's back, "Spencer, please calm down. I know things seem horrible right now but it will get better. I promise. We'll work on it together …"

After a long time Reid cried himself out and became a little self conscious of still being in his bosses arms. Hotch just laid him down on the bed and moved to a chair next to him. There was no way he would be leaving the kid alone yet. After another couple minutes – Hotch was almost convinced that Reid was sleeping already – he could hear a very soft, "Thank you Hotch." coming from the young man. Smiling a bit for the first time that night he gently ruffled the kid's hair. He stayed for another hour to be absolutely sure that he'd stay asleep and left the light on when he left.

_xxx_

_I hope you liked this chapter. The next one will be a bit more from Reid's point of view._


	4. Chapter 4: The next morning

_Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews. I truly appreciate it. Hopefully you'll like this chapter._

_And I am sorry it took so long to update. That will likely be the case moving forward as I am just not very far ahead in writing yet._

_Just a little "heartbreak" warning for this chapter – things between Hotch and Reid do not get resolved all at once. It will be a process for both of them and in this chapter Reid tries to push Hotch away again … at least in the beginning._

xxx

Reid slept through the night without a single nightmare for the first time in weeks and woke up late the next day in Hotch's guest room. After a moment of confusion the events of the previous night rushed back in and he could feel a flush of shame creep up his face. Groaning he checked the clock and was surprised that it was almost eleven. Typically he did not sleep this long and typically Hotch would not let him either. Hotch! Reid just wanted to hide beneath his covers remembering how he cried in the older man's arms the night before.

How could he have let this happen again? Hotch was his boss and that should be all. He could not allow himself to get close like that again or he would inevitably have another Gideon situation on his hands. And that was simply unacceptable. Determined Reid sat up – noticing that his backside was just slightly sore – it was time to do some damage control. Somehow he had to convince the older man that he could deal with things himself and did not need anyone to hold his hand. With a little pang in his chest Reid realized that in reality it would be very difficult to stay off the drugs on his own. He'd failed the last few weeks. And last time he definitely would not have made it without Gideon. Sighing again he pushed the feelings away that threatened to overcome him just thinking about Gideon leaving. Berating himself for being such an emotional mess he got up and sat down at the little desk. He needed to make sure Hotch would stay off his case.

Twenty minutes later Reid left the room fully dressed and found his boss at the kitchen table sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. A delicious smell came from the oven but Reid barely noticed. He cleared his throat to get the older man's attention. When Hotch looked up he saw a pale but determined looking Reid standing in the doorway clutching a piece of paper. Softly he said, "Good morning Spencer. Did you sleep well?"

The young agent nodded and answered, "Yes sir. I was wondering if you have a minute?"

Hotch put his newspaper down and gestured for Reid to sit across from him. The young man walked over to the table but remained standing almost at attention. He put his piece of paper in front of his boss and said, "Sir, yesterday you said that you wanted to talk to me about the rules in place for me. I wrote them all down here to show you that I haven't forgotten any. I realize that I have not followed them very well and I apologize for that. I understand that I don't deserve to be a BAU agent … Sir, if you wish for me to leave the team I will hand you my letter of resignation first thing on Monday..."

At this point Reid had to swallow to prevent his voice from getting hitched and betraying the emotions he felt at offering his resignation. When he saw Hotch stare at him with an unreadable expression he pushed his feelings away again and continued in a monotone voice, "Sir, if you allow me to stay on the team I assure you that I will not cause any trouble anymore. I will apologize to the team and I am prepared to take any punishment you see fit. If you give me five minutes I will get out of your hair so you can enjoy your Sunday. I am truly sorry for all the problems I have caused and it won't happen anymore … Sir? …"

Reid trailed off not sure what else to say and slightly disturbed by the way Hotch looked at him. He could not see anger in his expression but sadness and disappointment. Reid was confused. Why would Hotch be disappointed? Didn't he just apologize and take responsibility for his actions like a man?

The older agent sat in his chair and had to fight the temptation to get up and shake his young charge. Apparently it was 'two steps forward one step back' with the boy. He didn't need to be a profiler to understand what Reid was doing. The monotone voice and passive stare, calling Hotch 'Sir' instead of using his name – the kid was trying to distance himself from his feelings and build the walls back up that he had so firmly in place when he first joined the BAU. Back then Gideon's fatherly love helped him come out of his shell and now Gideon was gone. It wasn't that Hotch couldn't understand the young man but he could not allow him to go down this road. Maybe some old fashioned 'tough love' was in order.

Wordlessly Hotch stood up and had to stifle a wince at the way Reid flinched away from him. He took him by the upper arm and steered him back to his room.

Reid expected to be spanked again but he was confused as to why Hotch would do that unless he though Reid was lying to him and didn't mean his apology. Devastated the he realized that he had probably lost the older man's trust completely. Maybe he didn't deserve to be trusted but he was surely not about to take another spanking without at least trying to talk his way out of it. "Please sir … I meant it. I wasn't playing you. It's the truth." He begged and struggled against his boss's hold.

Hotch stopped and looked at him, "I know, Spencer," he said sadly, "I know."

Now Reid was even more confused. If Hotch believed him why would he spank him. The confusion was cleared somewhat when they entered the room and Hotch walked him past the bed to the desk and sat him down. Putting paper and a pen in front of Reid the older agent instructed quietly, "For every rule you wrote down I want you to list at least two reasons of why we decided on it. When you are done please come out again, I have a few things to say to you. And Reid, I am done with offering you my help, I … ."

Reid did not hear any more of what Hotch said after that nor did he realize when his boss left the room. He felt as if he'd been stabbed with a knife of ice. Hotch was done with offering his help? Hotch was done with him? In a way it was exactly what he had wanted but knowing that it took so little to push the older man away hurt badly. Obviously he didn't really want to help in the first place. Reid tried to numb the pain inside and picked up the pen to do as he was told but his hand shook too badly.

After another minute he could not control himself any longer. Tears streamed down his face. He quickly walked over to the bed and grabbed a pillow to muffle his sobs. The last thing he needed was Hotch coming back finding him crying like a baby over something he deserved. Why would Hotch want to help him anyway? Reid had told him in so many ways that he didn't want it. He had only himself to blame that Hotch took him up on it. Reid tried to stop crying but just couldn't. He thought back to when he first met Gideon. The man never had and never would have allowed to be pushed away like that but he was gone. It was time for Spencer to accept that his surrogate father would not be coming back and that he was alone.

Then Reid realized that Hotch might very well take him up on his offer to resign from the BAU and then he'd truly have nothing in his life. Devastated he cried even harder. He wanted to shoot up so bad and just forget about everything. he'd be allowed to leave soon. He didn't have anything at home but it wouldn't be a problem to just go straight to the office to get his emergency vial. Reid knew it was suicide to keep drugs in the office but it sort of just happened that way. Two weeks ago when he got in trouble with Hotch he was afraid that the older man would search his bag so he just stashed it in a locked box in his desk and never took it out. He really didn't want to use again but Reid knew if he was on his own right now he would not be able to fight it. Feeling like a failure he continued to sob.

Hotch stood outside the door with tears in his eyes. He fully knew what he had just done to the young man he cared so much about. But he desperately needed Reid to realize for himself that he needed help and that he wanted Hotch to be there. Otherwise, they would not be getting anywhere and he had the feeling that they had a long road ahead. After almost ten minutes of listening to his youngest sob Hotch wiped away his tears and walked quietly back into the room.

He sat down next to Reid and tried to gather the boy in his arms. But when Reid registered Hotch's presence he jumped up with a horrified look on his face. He quickly wiped away the tears and started apologizing, "I am sorry, Sir. I will what you said right away. I am sorry for acting like this. Please just give me a couple minutes and I'll be done." Quickly he made his way to the desk.

"Reid!" Hotch stopped him in his tracks, "please come back here." Reid turned around with a panicked expression. Would Hotch lecture him for crying like a baby? Or even spank him for not doing what he asked? Resigned he went back to the bed still trying to compose himself.

Hotch gestured to the space to his right and softly instructed, "Please sit down, Spencer." Relieved that his boss seemed to have no plans on lecturing or spanking – at least for the time being – Reid did as he was told his eyes downcast. Hotch turned to him and placed a finger under his chin to make the young man look up, "Are you ready to listen to me, Spencer?"

Startled by the soft words and the remnants of tears Reid could see in the older man's eyes he nodded.

"Okay, first of all, when I said 'I am done with offering my help' the operative word was 'offering'. For the next few weeks I will take away your choice of accepting or declining my help. I will simply help you and you will let me. And you will allow Morgan to help as well. Together we will make things right. We'll make sure you have the cravings under control and feel better again. Do you understand?" Hotch explained matter-of-factly.

Reid felt a wave of relief wash over him. Hotch hadn't given up on him after all and would probably not fire him. A new batch of tears started to stream down his face and a quiet sob escaped his lips. He turned away horrified and wiped his eyes, "I am sorry for crying. Please don't hate me."

"Spencer, you know it's okay to cry. What is it with the tough guy attitude lately?" Hotch asked slightly exasperated.

Reid tried to hide his face in his hands, "I don't know."

"Spencer!" Hotch could put so much meaning in just his name so Reid felt forced to answer, "I am not sure … I guess I don't want you to know how weak I am. I know I am being bad and I don't … " Reid started to cry even harder.

Hotch was a bit puzzled. 'Being bad'? Those were the words of a child. He gathered the boy in his arms and this time Reid didn't resist, "Spencer, you aren't bad and it is okay to cry. Just let it out."

"No it's not." Reid protested.

"Why?" Hotch simply asked.

Reid looked at him with tear stained cheeks genuinely puzzled by the question, "Why? … He said … "

"Who is he?" Hotch tightened his hold of the boy.

"Father." Reid could not help it but put his head against Hotch's shoulder.

"Your father said it was bad to cry?" Hotch inquired hoping to get a bit more of an explanation.

"Well … it's stupid really … when I was ten I fell off my bike and everyone laughed at me and when I started crying he send me away and said I was too old for that and needed to stop. And that night I heard him telling my mom he wished I was more like a 'real boy' … and a week later he left. I had forgotten about that. I never remembered much from the time my parents separated ..." Reid sobbed against Hotch's shoulder.

"And this is all coming back now because Gideon left?" Hotch asked softly.

Reid nodded against him. Hotch sighed, "I am so sorry, kid. I wish I could take that pain away but listen to me. Your Dad didn't leave because you cried or weren't 'a real boy'. He left because he was a weak man. Maybe what he really meant was that he wished for a son he could relate to and share things with. That isn't a bad wish for a grown up to have but it isn't right or fair of him to make you feel like you are in any way inadequate for not being that son. You are a great young man that any father would be proud of. Gideon was and I am."

"You are?" Reid looked up shocked and clearly doubtful, "but I have been so bad."

"Yes I am, Spencer." Hotch smiled a bit at him, "You might have acted badly and you will not escape your punishment for that. But you, young man, aren't bad. You are just going through a tough time and need some help. Which brings me to my next question. Did you understand what I told you earlier? That I will be the one helping you and for the time being I am taken away your right to refuse that help?"

Reid looked at him with a thoughtful expression, "What if you leave? I know you say you won't but what if Strauss forces you?"

"Spencer, I told you yesterday I can't promise you that things like that won't ever happen. But it really doesn't matter. Even if I have to work somewhere else I can still be there for you and I will. Spencer, I am not sure how you feel but I think of you as family … and I am not trying to take Gideon's place in your life … I just want you safe and happy, okay?" Hotch explained softly.

Reid looked at him confused. Hotch thought of him as family? The young man just yearned to believe him, hoping to not feel so alone anymore and wishing he could just say yes and allow Hotch to take over for a while. He was tired ... tired of feeling rotten, tired of fighting the cravings and tired of trying to figure out what to do. But there was still this nagging doubt. What if Hotch left him also? He believed that the older man didn't plan on leaving but Gideon didn't either … and yet it happened.

Desperately he shook his head and whispered, "No, you can't … I can't … please, Hotch." In reality he wasn't even sure what he was pleading for.

Hotch saw the internal struggle in his young charge and sighed. He pulled Reid closer and said, "Not your choice, kid. I will and you will and that is that. Just stop fighting it."

"But what if I leave the BAU or if I do something so bad that you fire me?" Reid asked in tears not ready to give up yet.

The unit chief could see that Reid wasn't trying to challenge him. He was just worried about being deserted again. So Hotch carefully said, "Spencer, if you truly don't want to be a BAU agent anymore I will support you in whatever it is you want to do instead. But that doesn't change anything else. And as for doing something so bad that I'd have to fire you, I can't really imagine that you are capable of that. Don't get me wrong - you are capable of doing things that will land you in plenty of hot water with me and might leave you unable to sit for a while but not more than that." Hotch smiled a bit sadly at him.

"You don't know that." Reid cried.

Hotch sighed and lifted him up just enough to plant two smacks on his behind, "Spencer, it's enough. Just trust me and do as you are told and this becomes a lot easier for all involved."

Reid wasn't really convinced but he wanted to believe Hotch so bad that he didn't argue anymore. Instead he whispered a soft, "Okay" and soaked up the comfort of the physical contact. For the moment it didn't really matter that Hotch would probably leave him too in the future. All that mattered was that right this second he wasn't alone.


End file.
